To Love is to be Happy With
We are all connected and what we say and do affects others, 
just as a pebble tossed into the pond sends out ripples to the shore. This Valentine’s season we can reach out with compassion and kindness and that, too, will ripple out and affect others.
Can you imagine having a new baby who by the age of 18 months was diagnosed as autistic, labeled “incurable ” and “hopeless”?This was the case for Barry Kaufman and his wife, both psychologists. Their son, Raun was diagnosed as a classic example of autism-silent and aloof, staring, incessant rocking back and forth, hour after hour spinning of every object in sight. The lack of language development…no words, no sounds, no crying for food.
- This meant there would be no conditions to which he had to conform,
- there would be no expectations which he had to fulfill,
- there would be no judgments which labeled his behavior good or bad.
They worked with him 80 hours a week, deciding that if Raun was unable to be with them in their world, they would try to make contact by going to his world. Someone was always beside him and connected with him gently. If he rocked, they rocked. If he spun or flapped his fingers, they would spin or flap their fingers. It was their way of trying to communicate their love and acceptance of him where he was. They lavished him with affection, loving, music, smiles, gentle visual and auditory stimulation.
Within 8 months this dysfunctional, withdrawn, functionally retarded and “hopeless” little boy became a social, verbal, affectionate and loving human being, displaying intellectual capabilities far beyond his years.
His parents’ attitude of unconditional acceptance facilitated the evolution of this amazingly beautiful and creative human being. By “being with” Raun, by living the concept that “to love is to be happy with” Raun’s parents were given the gift of knowing and validating the belief that, yes, everyone in their own way is special and beautiful.
So what does this mean to those of us who are not challenged by such an extreme situation/opportunity?
So what can we learn as we celebrate this Valentine’s month, with its focus on love?
What I am reminded of by this poignant example is that I too can “be happy with” -meaning accepting and allowing of who each person in my life is and what they are, knowing they are doing the best they can in the moment- my husband, my children, my sisters, my boss, my co-workers.
warts and wrinkles, We can all acknowledge and accept each other’s imperfections and still love the core of each other, just as we are.
And we don’t need to alter the person. We do not need to make them healthier, happier, less depressed. Nor do we need to add anything or take anything away from that person. We can accept the differences, honor the differences in our needs, in our desires, in our feelings and behaviors.
- to audition one another,
- to put someone on trial,
- or use other people to gratify our ego needs.
- to fix,
- to change
- or belittle another person.
- support,
- forgive,
- and heal one another.
We don’t even have to understand each other as long as we accept each other. My husband’s enthusiasm for getting up at 4am on a rainy or snowy day and hiking out in the marsh with a 30 pound sack of decoys on his back in order to outwit some ducks is not something I may understand, but I do accept it as something he loves and I’m glad he does.
I think we all would “love” to have someone “happy with” us…no conditions, judgments, just appreciation and acceptance.
If we would, so would they!
So…what could you do to show them this experience of love?
I’d love to hear your comments below.