Love more, care less?
To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds.
But care can also signify sorrow, as in “bowed down by cares.”
Or anxiety, as in “Careful!”
Or investment in an outcome, as is “Who cares?”
The word love has no such range of meaning: it is pure acceptance.
Caring –with its shades of sadness, fear, and insistence on specific outcomes-is not love. In fact, when care appears, unconditional love often vanishes.
Loving without caring may sound cold, but think about it! We could love more by caring less. When we care (what they do, how they do it, if they do it) we are putting strings (conditions) on them. We are attached to some outcome over which we really have no control.
I will love you when… you stop drinking? you get a job?
I will love 
you if… you stay in school?
you stop swearing?
Here’s how to try loving without caring:
(suggested by Martha Beck)
Choose a person you love but have some level of anxiety or sadness about. Then identify how they must alter their behavior before you can be content. Then the way you’d feel if the change occurred. Fill in the following blanks.
If____________ would only____________, then I could feel_____________.
Now scratch out the first clause for the sentence you just wrote, so all that remains is:
I could feel_____.
Yep! That last sentence is the truth, the whole truth. Of course your loved one’s cooperation would be lovely, but you don’t absolutely need it to experience any given emotional state.
It would be easy to feel good if they would just do what you want, r
ight? Nevertheless, you can feel sane even if your crazy-making relative stays crazy.
After all, Helen Keller wrote after growing up deaf and blind,
“I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad.”
Surely, we can find a way to be happy, and even love them, no matter if the in-laws never stop correcting our grammar.
Unconditional Love as Detached Attachment
Accepting that it is possible to achieve a given emotional state whether or not a loved one conforms to your wishes is the key step to loving without caring.
And if you can accept that you can be happy either way, then you have the freedom
- to live and let live,
- to love and let love.
Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you. We all want to be loved, not for what we do or how we do it, not in spite of our flaws, but just because we are us.
- No strings!
- No “if, then”
And if you disagree, I truly, respectfully, lovingly do not care. For you see, I love you anyway!
But I am open for a healthy discussion and sharing!
What has been your experience in giving or receiving unconditional love?
10 Comments
Oh, Pat. This is such a timely reminder. Thank you for that. And actually, you are one of the few people I know who actually seem able to do this process effectively a great deal of the time. I’ve watched you do it numerous times, for various reasons.
Divorce is one of the hardest things we go through, and using this idea of loving without caring really did help me. It did, however, take me rather a longish time….. still, I was finally able to get there eventually – and you really helped in that.
Sometimes it does seem as if it would be awfully nice to just knock someone into next week with an “I’M RIGHT!” or shake them til their teeth rattle as our sister used to say. It’s not very productive on the long run, though. Still, a little tempting….. But hey, peace in ourselves is definitely a higher priority and their lives are their own. And doggone, we still love ’em!
I’ll bet folks have had challenges with me on occasion, too. That’s an interesting thought. Mostly I look at this from MY end, not someone else’s.
Fay, that’s an interesting thought-that we look at this from OUR end, not the other person’s. Yet feeling that someone wants us to change, or even grow, in order for us to be okay (let alone loved) is somewhat unsettling!
I’ve always considered the phrase “unconditional love” to be redundant because the very nature of love is unconditional. Another way to say it is that “conditional love” is an oxymoron. The biggest challenge is children and the best teacher is a dog. Of course, the bottom line is trust in the universe and the higher forces.
Mary Kay, “oxymoron” is a fun word and even more fun concept. I guess conditional love refers to concepts like I “love” chocolate! (or does it?)
Chocolate is a gift from God and is definitely unconditional.
Lately the concept that is helping me love better and “care less” is looking at EVERY person as my brother or sister. Just looking at my family tree I see some of the most unlovely folks and yet I can’t help loving them, anyway. They really are part of who I am
Meg, When we can love our family members, with all their warts and foibles, we’re well on our way to accepting/loving others without them having to change first.
Hi Pat,
I absolutely adore Martha Beck’s writing. I agree with the first post that the timing of this message could not be better. I have an angry co-worker (whom I thought for 6 years was my friend). Her job ends in December; mine does not. Learning to detach from her anger as she spews to my remaining co-workers and manager is challenging. So thank you for reminding me/us that our state of mind is always a choice, and that we can choose to “let go” of a hot potato (or a hot headed person) before becoming one ourselves.
Cindy, One of the blessings/curses of life is that we can choose, what we think, what we feel, and what actions we take!
So what I’m getting from the lesson and the posts today is that maybe the old expression “I couldn’t care less” Is just plain wrong. We could care less and for our own well-being as well as those around us, we need to care less. This is such a good example of a great psychological principle. I struggle to do this but, maybe, like replacing some carbs with more vegetables, replacing some of the caring with more love is not only realistic, but good for me?