Changing Others
Have you ever wished/prayed/ exhorted/pleaded for someone to change?
- “If only he would get a job.”
- “If only she would start exercising.”
- “If only he would stop smoking.”
Yes, I know we only want them to change or realize their potential because they will be happier, more productive and achieve greater fulfillment. Right?
But we need to acknowledge that when we want them to change, we are judging them.
What if we could just let the people around us be who they are and love them unconditionally like we so often say we do!
Really?
We probably couch our need to change others with the best of intentions.
But more often than not, we find that the actions (or lack of actions) of the people closest to us are embarrassing, annoying or unacceptable in our better judgment.
After all, we want the best for them, don’t we? And we just happen to think we know what the best is.
They need our help, don’t they?
If we see someone about to be hit by a car, we should probably intervene. Seems like the right thing to do, doesn’t it?
But what if they want to
- keep smoking,
- eat unhealthy, fattening food or
- stay in a relationship that’s going nowhere?
What business is it of ours?
What if instead of judging, “helping,” worrying about them, we really love them just as they are, no changes needed?
Remember?
”Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye”
Could it be that we like the benefit of deciding what others should do: that if we’re fixing others, then our time is usually too occupied to deal with our own lives?
What if instead of trying to change others into what we think they should be, how about if we live the life WE were meant to live and be the example for others to consider for themselves?
Folks don’t want to hear us giving them a sermon. (Especially our loved ones!) So what if we stopped preaching /nagging/reminding/bugging our loved ones and friends about how they should change?
In addition to giving our unconditional love, what if we were willing to just be a great example?
Maybe it would be a big enough project for each of us to just work on/play with being more loving, more kind, more thoughtful?
5 Comments
That was really good. Home run to that truth.
Donna, I think all of us can attest to that truth! It’s so easy to judge. And so often our judgments would be different if we really took the time to “walk in someone else’s shoes.”
Pat this was very interesting and something I need to follow better, but not sure how. The one problem I have is being with a person who insists on smoking. I know when I married him I didn’t think twice about the smoke, but now I simply can’t stand the smell of it and since I know the possible consequences it makes it all the more difficult. The fact that my wishes (please……don’t smoke around me!!) are not even considered causes me to be angry and judgmental. I don’t want to be this way, but short of just giving up I don’t see an answer.
Tish, Wow, that is a tough one! I think that because this is something that affects you physically it could be seen as more self-protective than just judgmental of him.
We would wish they wouldn’t smoke for their sake, but protecting yourself from the physical effects is being proactive for your own sake.
I don’t know the answer, but think separating the smoking judgment from the person smoking is a definite challenge!
The first thing that popped into my mind was, “What if I changed my mind about the person and decided to dig a little deeper (gently, of course) and Learned to understand their character better. A Course in Miracles tells us to look at a ” “problem” from a different angle. Just step step to the side or even to the rear and have another look. Amazing how the view takes on a different aspect!